kristen richmond

fuck man.

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 07:01:34 GMT

sometimes things happen that just make you rethink everything. I don't know if I've made the right choices. I just know I want to be there to help you through this, but I can't. I can't be there. I don't feel like I'm here. I don't know where I am. I just want it all to stop. I want to know everything is right. I want to know that I'm not fucking up the rest of my life. There is what is safe. There is what is tangible. There is uncertainty and a whole lot of chaos. There isn't a therapist there telling me what to do anymore. I'm glad I don't freak out when I hear the word suicide. I am happy I have that. I can just hear it, and deal with it.

Man, how do I make everything okay? Am I making good choices, or do I have my head up my ass? If I have my head up my ass, how am I going to see where I'm going? When I pull it out will I have nostrils filled with shit?

BAH!

Wed, 16 Sep 2009 20:51:26 GMT

sometimes my shrink tells me to do things that I really don't want to do. getting better is really hard. he did remind me that I pay him to talk to, and that he doesn't have contrived opinions of me because he is fulfilling a business agreement. He is not my friend, and that sometimes talking to my friends/people I have relationships with about my problems is counterproductive. He said that life is hard, and maybe it sucks that the only person I can trust is someone I pay to do so.

very interesting.

time to go sever some connections for a while. booo. being happy alone sounds like it may be a shitty process, but have a great payoff.

Mon, 31 Aug 2009 03:18:25 GMT

so, because I don't know what makes me happy, and can't make choices about life and relationships I've started going to therapy. I had my first session, in which my doc decided to jump to conclusions and insinuate that my mother probably had an affair. I'm not too sure about that, but everything else he's said has been spot on. I don't know if I find it appropriate to be labeling a person after one session in which I only gave a brief overview of traumatic events in my life. I understand that certain things breed certain characteristics that are generally fair assumptions to make, but assuming qualities about other people in my life isn't necessarily appropriate.

I told my therapist that Kapper is a black and white person and super supportive, while I see everything as a gray area and totally subjective. He asked how someone who is black and white could be supportive. I don't know, but he always has been. It's very hard to explain relationships to a stranger. Especially one who you are supposed to trust with your life choices. I don't know how much faith I put in this, but I guess I'm paying for it, so I'm going to try and get the most I can from it.

My therapist says I can't make any life choices for quite a while. I think that is smart, but it's frustrating. I'm seeing him to help me make life choices. He says the process I have to enter to get better will probably take two years, and it will get much worse before it gets better. I just want to ask for pills, or keep on being crazy. Neither of those will actually help me become a happier person, though. They will give me some great misdirects and fancy distractions, but in the end I'm just tricking the eyes. I know the right thing is often the hardest.

Right now I'm trying to figure out if I want to stay here in Bellingham and finish the process up here, or move back to Portland. With that choice I choose whether or not I give up on my relationship, but I think I may have already made that choice. I don't know if loneliness is something I can handle, and Kapper isn't going to stop wanting to go gallivanting off for months at a time. I think it would work out better if I could go places for months at a time, too. I mean, I had Hawaii, but I want Peru, too...you know?

So there's life. Kapper's gone for three weeks, and I have the house to myself. Maybe by the time he's home I'll have some answers.

Tue, 02 Jun 2009 17:14:44 GMT

so, I don't poop regularly. about every two or three days. I know I should eat more fiber, drink more water, whatever. I eat what I want, and I drink water when I want. It seems like a lot of work so I can shit everyday. I don't even like pooping.

but seriously, why is it that everytime I drink a damn cup of coffee at home, I have to shit. why can't I just enjoy my cup of coffee and then go take a shower? it's like fucking clockwork.

so that's my story about poop.

also, I have a weird question about poop ethics...

so, on mountains you have to pack all of your garbage out...including poop. the practice is that you poop on the snow, and pick it up in a dog bag. you throw it in with your garbage and pack it out. it's not pleasant, but it's part of climbing. well, since I don't poop regularly, I'll just hold it until I come down. on Rainier I held it for three days, and took care of my business when I got back to the toilet at Camp Muir. I elected to pack out the garbage because it was lighter than some of the gear...but I said I wasn't going to pack out people's shit (we had put it in a snow hole until the end, so it wasn't mixed in with the garbage yet). I had to carry the shit down.

My question is, if I don't poop on the mountain, should I have to carry other people's shit? I don't think so. I hold it so I don't have to deal with it...why should I have to carry other people's shit because I volunteer for garbage duty?

okay, I'm done now. I'm sorry you just wasted your time reading this. you won't get those three minutes back.

Thu, 28 May 2009 20:29:43 GMT

duality. lots and lots of it. I can't figure out if I want to be a stable person who makes safe choices, or someone who does what they want when they want, and constantly seeks thrills and excitement. I don't think I can balance the two, and it drives me more nuts than when I felt like I was actually nuts.

part of me wishes I never came home from Hawaii. I know I have delusions of grandeur and think that everything is great when it is new and shiny, and everything dulls with time, but walking to the beach and swimming all hours of the day was unspeakably pleasant. I would eventually become infected with island fever, and want to come home to the mainland, but I could ride out a couple of years.

I still feel like I want to fall in love all over the world. Like life isn't over, but it's on pause. It's hard. I get stir crazy. I constantly need excitement, and feel incredibly unfulfilled and lonely. The summer is back and the weather here has been beautiful. Time for climbing again, and maybe that will fix everything. Baker is tomorrow after work. I'm nervous all over again. Big mountains are like first dates. You feel doomed to embarrass yourself. It's exciting and your skin is tingling waiting for it. mmm...anticipation.

Thu, 30 Apr 2009 06:51:08 GMT

I just saw a really cool video with a bunch of super talented homeless people performing "Stand By Me" and it make me realize that my dad should have been a street musician. He could have let them foreclose the house, and made music with instruments instead of gunshots.

Mon, 13 Apr 2009 17:33:10 GMT

I feel like my insides are going to fall out.

I wish I could split into two people...but then my insides would definitely fall out.

Sat, 04 Apr 2009 20:27:54 GMT

I didn't post once about Hawaii, and I don't really know what to say about it. I feel blessed to have gone, and feel like I've gained a lot from my experience. It wasn't just a vacation. If I had just visited on vacation, I wouldn't have met locals, and been a part of the culture. I wouldn't have tasted nearly as many delicious (and sometimes not so delicious) foods. I wouldn't have known so many colorful people, or gotten to feel like a minority. I wouldn't have known all of the quiet, beautiful spots that tourists don't know about it. It was really cool. They talk about an ohana feel on the island, and it's true. All of the people I met at Target from the island were amazing. It's a different world. I enjoyed being on island time. I seriously thought about moving out there.

Oahu isn't really that beautiful until you get to the windward side. It's all city, and the city isn't pretty. Every part of the island has different sand, and different varieties of weather. It's incredible. Being a quarter of a mile away from a beach for a month wasn't something I'd complain about, either. Every night we'd have beers and go swim or body board. Every morning before I went to work, I'd go throw on a bathing suit and sit in the sun. I got used to being in 80 degree weather. At first I sweat a lot, but in the end I was wearing jackets when it was 67 degrees out. That's a summer temperature up here in Bellingham.

Anyway, to sum up Hawaii, I'd move there if I didn't think the boat ride and month of quarantine for my dogs would kill them. I don't think I could live there indefinitely, but a couple of years, for sure.

Mon, 16 Mar 2009 03:04:39 GMT

So my grandfather died at 1:30AM on March 15, 2009. An hour and thirty minutes after I turned 25. My mom told me I should laugh about it, because before he went into the hospital, he kept telling her not to let him forget about my birthday. I guess the day I was born, he drove all night from Pensacola, Florida to Dallas, Texas to see me come into the world. My mom said it was an incredibly important moment for him.

Well, here's to my gramps, and my 25th rotation around the sun.

Fri, 13 Mar 2009 19:35:02 GMT

So...my grandpa is dying. He has leukemia. My mom called and told me today on the way to work. She thinks he only has a couple of days left. He can't talk, and I can't come see him, since Hawaii is an island in the middle of the world's largest ocean. My mom left me his phone number to call him, but I don't know what to say. I know how to deal with death, that's not a problem...I just don't know how to say goodbye. Everyone I know who has died (and it's a lot) have mostly done it to themselves. You don't get a chance to call them on the phone and cry your heart out. I don't think my grandfather would appreciate me crying, either. What would you want to hear when you're 89 and about to finally leave this place? Would you want your whole family calling and telling you that they love you and are tragically upset?

Anyway, I finally composed myself enough to call and he's sleeping. My grandmother has lost it and I had to tell her three times that I'm not my cousin, Janet. If gramps goes today, he'll probably never know I called. I'll try tonight.

I sound really heartless. I'm not. My grandfather was everything his generation was supposed to be. I may not agree with his views, but I do know that he loved his family and did everything he was ever told he should by society. He supported his family, and made sure his wife never had to work a day in her life. He has been more than willing to set me up with some sweet, interest free loans. I think that because my grandfather was the kind of man he is, I realized that I could have the kind of guy Kapper is. I know it's okay to be taken care of. Otherwise I would just expect that you're supposed to be in relationships where you treat each other like crap. Hrmph.

I'm gonna go cry some more and recompose myself.

the man burns.

Sun, 22 Feb 2009 07:57:17 GMT

I really want to go to Burning Man this year...but some part of me thinks it's really selfish that I get to go to Hawaii for a month, and Kapper doesn't...and I know Kap wont be able to go to Burning Man, either. I actually don't think Kapper would even want to go to Burning Man. he doesn't have that kind of nature about himself. I would love it if he did.

anyway, if anyone wants to burn this year, let me know. maybe I can work something out. there's definitely a desire there. if I can get a car together and cut down some costs, I know I can work out a ticket and some extra money. I'm especially into the theme this year.

blah. where there's a will, there's a way.

in other news:
I think I leave for Hawaii the 2nd of March. I'll be on Oahu until March 27th. I'm supporting the opening of the Kapolei Target. They're housing us in private condos on the beach in Ewa Beach. Other than working 40 hours each week, I can fill my time anyway I want. They're giving me a $40 a day per diem for breakfast and dinner, and they take care of lunch. I really can't wait. I only have 8 days. What's horrifically nice is that my husband bought me a tanning package so I wouldn't burn my white ass off when I got there. He also bought me ice tools for Valentine's Day. That means that I'm a nice tan color, and that I can ascend some frozen waterfalls whenever I want to. I'm hoping to climb Mauna Loa and Mauna Kea when I'm there. I'll need two days off in a row, though, just to get out to the big island. I have all of these stars in my eyes about the trip. I'm just afraid I don't have enough money to do everything I want to do. Kapper gave me a $400 allowance. I was hoping to get half of our $4000 income tax return, but we have to spend it on car maintenance and put some in savings because of the shitty economy. I know I shouldn't bitch about it, and be happy that we're being responsible, but who am I kidding, I'm selfish and like spending money.

income taxes.

Mon, 09 Feb 2009 18:57:34 GMT

#1 - I hate income taxes. I don't think they're right. You aren't supposed to be taxed on trade for trade transactions, which a working relationship is.

#2 - I'm getting $4641 back from the federal government on my tax return.

#3 - I probably could have used that money during the year. Instead, the government just helped me save money for a vacation.

today has been a weird day.

Mon, 09 Feb 2009 08:41:28 GMT

so, I finally changed the cds in my cd changer, and I just kind of put random unlabled ones in that I found in my trunk. one of them was The Gravity Show...Michael J. Pritzl's side project. another was a mix of some Mike Doughty and Soul Coughing. another was an old cd that had the song Jer wrote for me on it. then when I came home and watched a tivoed episode of Jockeys, "Blow Your Mind" by Careen played at the end of it.

I have kissed a member of each of those bands.

needless to say, it's been a really weird day. I'm gonna go drink some more beer. it's in a shiny can and has a picture of a mountain I climbed on it.

in other news:
three weeks until I go to Hawaii for a month!

Fri, 30 Jan 2009 07:12:28 GMT

so, my teeth hurt a lot sometimes, and sometimes I find myself eating four 200mg ibuprofens and some vicodin and drinking a tallboy, but hey, the pain stops, right?

I get the tooth fixed in a week, and for as tough as I thought I was, I think dental pain is some of the worst out there. I really want to rip my tooth out...after I down a bottle of whiskey, of course.

in other news:
one month until I leave for Hawaii. Also, I'm going ice climbing for the first time this weekend. I'll return with some badass photos, I hope. Ice climbing looks incredibly awesome. INCREDIBLY. Also, I'm so tan I don't recognize myself anymore. All of the freckles have connected to make me one brown freckle. Just wait until I get back from the beautiful ocean beaches and endless coconuts full of booze!

Thu, 22 Jan 2009 01:34:23 GMT

I got my teeth cleaned. Actually, I went to the dentist for the first time since I was in high school. A few years ago, I thought I could chew through metal and lost a couple of chunks of teeth. They just recently started hurting. The pain became unbearable, so I finally did something about it. My dentist is pretty rad, he climbs and is kind of a nerd. But, here's a creepy picture of me and my clean teeth.

Anyone who knows me well knows that my bottom teeth are yellowish brown. I thought it was from being kicked in the mouth when I was younger, but they totally cleaned it all off. It's pretty amazing. I feel like I have all new teeth, minus the fact that my chipped tooth still hurts...but I did get a bottle full of vicodin to help with the pain until I can get a full appointment to get it fixed.

Here's a before picture where you can see my ugly teeth.

WOOO.

Fri, 16 Jan 2009 04:14:32 GMT

An old friend of mine named Nate started a new band and I went to check out their myspace profile and found that two other friends are in it. #1 - the music is really good. #2 - it made me miss Grant A LOT. He's a really great, and beautiful person. Sometimes you meet people and they are only somewhat briefly in your life but you feel such a tremendous connection that it spans a grip of time. I love encounters like that. I am fortunate to have that with a handful of people. I truly value these relationships and fail to connect to these people on even a quasi regular basis.

I just want to say hi to Matt, Grant, Jamez, Aja, Alex, Zurn, and Theresa.

Sat, 03 Jan 2009 23:54:16 GMT

anyone who has a wii should comment on this and tell me their wii friend code. I need more wii friends...especially because I got wii speak and want to leave you obnoxious messages.

mine is 5101 7301 0770 7275

also, play animal crossing city folk.

Thu, 25 Dec 2008 20:27:35 GMT

The cool thing about Canadians is that they don't play Christmas music on Christmas. Instead I get to listen to Funky Cold Medina. They also say Mazda funny.

in other news:
I'm staying with Target. I'm gonna climb Mauna Kea and Mauna Loa. Sick!

Sat, 13 Dec 2008 00:22:23 GMT

also, I found the coolest video ever. I thought I'd give you all an early Christmas present.

Jizz in my pants

Sat, 13 Dec 2008 00:21:07 GMT

I had an interview at Starbucks up here, which lead to a second interview with the district manager. She said she'd call me back by the end of the week, which one assumes is the business week. I haven't gotten a call back yet, which terrifies me. Every job I've ever applied for, I've gotten.

I want to work for Starbucks again, mostly because things at the Target up here are broken as hell, and I don't want to try and fix them. People are insane, and don't get it. The day after Christmas is the busiest day of the year for returns, and they only have one person scheduled behind the service desk.

I guess there is a silver lining. They like me so much up here that they nominated me to go represent our store at the new store opening in Hawaii...which means I get to go to Hawaii for a month, all expenses paid...all I have to do is teach people how to not suck. I'm pretty stoked about it. I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, and to be honest, going to Hawaii without Kapper sounds kind of awesome. I imagine a lot of sitting on a beach, drinking. Probably a lot of going to coffee farms and seeing volcanoes, too.

Fri, 05 Dec 2008 00:59:38 GMT

here are three reasons why I'm happy I'm not a teenager anymore:

1. I don't have to hide when I'm drinking

2. I don't remember the last time I cried myself to sleep

3. handjobs are no longer the socially acceptable way of getting your rocks off

in other news:
Bellingham is really pretty. When I open I drive to work when the sun is rising, and home when the sun is setting. We're nestled in the valley between the Cascades to the east, and the Strait of Juan de Fuca and Olympics to the west. There's a killer view of Lake Whatcom from my front window. Sometimes I stand in the freezing cold wearing nothing but a blanket on my front porch and stare.

Mon, 01 Dec 2008 22:33:08 GMT

I finally saw I Am Legend.

It scared the shit out of me.

THE END.

in other news:
Being a GSTL is decidedly the least fulfilling job in the entire world. I have an interview at Starbucks tomorrow. I miss connecting to people and feeling like I enrich their lives, one cup at a time. Yes, I do know how retarded that sounds.

Fri, 14 Nov 2008 07:15:15 GMT

it feels like something is crawling underneath my skin. maybe it's a metamorphosis. maybe it's the gigantic fucking tv I dropped on my leg that made it look like hamburger meat. (seriously. you should see my leg.)

I have constellations on my skin. all you need is time, vision and comfort to connect the dots...but I don't feel like letting anyone close enough. everything feels so far away and it rains all of the time.

my new boss has burns all over her arms. I think it's one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen, and I have a hard time not staring. I'm sure she gets stared at frequently, and is used to it, but probably not because someone admires them. it makes me wish I knew someone with burns all over their body that would let me touch them. connect the most warped stringy tissue with my fingers.

it seems like we're all in a hurry to grow, but I just want people to create me something that will let me hold on. winter up here is going to be hard. it's 10 degrees colder on average, and mud is trying to invade my house. I'm going to need a lot of insane times in the snowy cascade wilderness and hours spent on a rowing machine only traveling digitally to get through this.

I already feel like I'm missing out on watching Nolan grow. I really love that baby. I don't really hate children. I'm just afraid of them. They're so perfect and we as a society, as people doing what people do best, screw them up. That scares me. Screwing up something of such great value scares me.

it's time for bed. I thought I missed the internet. I didn't really. I just had a lot of quiet time, and sometimes I don't handle quiet time so well. it makes me do stupid things like masturbate while watching horrible tv.

Sat, 08 Nov 2008 04:02:26 GMT

I know it's not clever, but I'd much rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

The guy I'm staying with is trying to make me take shots of tequila. No one needs that.

Tue, 04 Nov 2008 07:00:25 GMT

I feel like a little kid before their first day of school. This election has been exhausting. I'm tired of the never-ending negative ads and the massive overhaul of media coverage of our candidates. I can't sleep because I want to know what America has to say. What our massive sea of voices discerns is our new leader. I have a feeling I know how it will go, but I said that with the last election. I thought there was no way America could make the same mistake twice, and yet we did. Soon, we'll see...and I can't say I helped. I voted, but the vote I made was for true change. The kind of change that we will not see this election, and probably not the one after that. I ramble on and on about my vote, but I ask that you go out and vote. I don't care who you are voting for. Just please, make your opinion heard...if only on a piece of paper in a cacophony of papers.

Anyway, we're all tired of it. I'm obliged to document the things happening in my life and this is a tremendous ocassion that happens once in four years, so I'm required for sentimental sakes to mention it.

I'm moving. This is my last week here. I leave Friday, maybe Saturday if we come up with something fun to do Friday night. I want to see people before I leave. I possibly want to get so trashed that I can't feel my face. I want to laugh with all of my friends because I will soon see you so infrequently that it will make me sad.

I can stay out late Wednesday, Thursday and possibly Friday. Call me if you want to do something.